Have you ever walked in to a room and just known that tension is there? You can’t see the conflict, but you can feel it. I talked about this in my interview with Paula Vail, and why I make the case for having “No Whinge Zones” in the house (essentially choose to have arguments outdoors, because it makes you think twice about how important they are if it’s raining). Energy lingers. We need to protect our space.
One thing I am always careful to explain though is that anger as an emotion is healthy. It has its own intelligence. It is also a ‘secondary emotion’. In other words, there is something behind it. It might be telling us we are scared. That we are grieving. Or even that we feel entitled to something (especially if you use the word “should” a lot).
It’s how we express our emotions that take us towards recovery or relapse. Anger is healthy, whereas aggression – the emotion in motion – is what does the damage. We need to learn to put space between what we think, how we feel and what we do.
Here’s what might help.
This week, maybe set the intention to Speak It Out. It’s not always easy to tell people how we feel, but often it does help just to say it as it is. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t soften the blow, so we need to speak in facts (not insinuations), with a view to creating peace. We also (usually) need to make room for the other person to have their say so you may agree together what that will look like, or make the decision to take it to therapy, especially if it is a fear or grief that’s showing its face.
You might also find more creative outlets for how you feel, like drawing a picture – even if it’s just colouring a sheet of A4 completely red – or taking up a hobby like pottery (there may be something very therapeutic about slamming a piece of clay around!) You might write poetry or even a song to describe how you feel.
It’s important you use your voice in a way that’s helpful and healthy for you. When we swallow our words they can (almost literally) make us feel sick. So rather than push down what we need to say, find a way to let it out. If in doubt, remember to breathe.
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You might also like: my book Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal, out now.
© All Delphi Ellis 2022
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