Take care of your world. Take care of your mind.
Pema Chödrön.
I started to read about pollution and, as you’d expect, found articles about the types of things you see in the news: noise pollution, air pollution, light pollution and others, which contaminate our environment and are unhealthy, if not dangerous, for us.
I then found out about “personal pollution”, something we may do to contaminate our own body and lifestyle – things like smoking, drinking, unhealthy habits and the way we talk to ourselves. It might also include the way we favour our own ego – that part of us that will protect itself at all costs (if we’re not careful).
Could it be that being ego-friendly what’s really destroying the environment?
If we describe someone as having “too much ego” we may consider them to be self-absorbed or self-centred; my students are often worried that being concerned with their own well-being is self-indulgent. In fact, talking ourselves out of self-care is often the ego trying to protect itself because “what will people think” if we make time for ourselves? Ironically the behaviours we or others may engage in to keep the status quo, avoid change and keep their world safe, might be the very ones harming them.
The mind uses the past as a reference point, which affects decisions we make in the here and now. How we think has an effect on the value we place upon ourselves – our “self-esteem” – and how we communicate. It affects our personal identity and we may unhelpfully judge ourselves and others. In other words, we’re giving too much energy to the ego – we’re being too ego-friendly – and falling in to ego-traps. There’s a great graphic at the bottom of this article which explains how that might look.
Following Brexit in the UK, a number of comments are still seen in online and in print, many of them toxic, the impact of which undoubtedly polluting the environment – including the social media space. People are still high on the outrage and hooked in to debate about who is ‘right‘ and who is ‘wrong‘ – what Marshall B. Rosenberg referred to as moral judgements. Friends verbally abuse each other, families fall out and people are judged whichever way they vote. It’s a classic example of something that’s no longer a “debate” but more about who is “superior” – and that’s rarely going to be healthy.
Another way this shows up is where others try to force their views upon us, some even declaring themselves to be doing this in a “spiritual” way. One example of this is in the spiritual gaslighting that happens when you’re told to “think happy” and when that doesn’t work, you’re told it’s because you’re doing it wrong. Being spiritually intelligent means being aware of when someone expects you to compromise your values to keep them happy.
Some unhelpful commentary may be fear-based, but other times it will be rooted in a false sense of entitlement to state opinion as fact. Regardless, the impact associated with unhealthy behaviour is destructive and far reaching.
This might help:
- Beware of people who fall in to ego-traps. If someone you know clings to their identity, without self-awareness or reflection, and/or who think in terms of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, they’ve fallen in to an ego-trap. People can offer a view, with kindness and without judgement, while still be open to learning and without making someone else feel stupid.
- Notice how you talk to yourself – and others. Be aware of the language you use. How we talk to ourselves can have a big impact on our sense of worth and confidence, even questioning your value in the world. If you tend to beat yourself up over a mistake, you may benefit from using some positive affirmations (positive ‘I’ statements that reflect your values, like ‘I am a loyal friend’) and talking to someone about how to boost your confidence. (If your self-talk has become distressing, you may wish to contact an organisation like the Samaritans.)
- Beware of others who ‘dump and run’. How is your environment affecting you? Using techniques like Mindfulness, we can become more aware of what’s going on around us and notice how toxic the environment, or thoughts, have become. Letting other people know what’s having an impact on the world around you can actually help improve not just your wellbeing, but theirs too. Beware of other people doing what Lisa Lister calls a ‘dump and run’ – e.g. offloading angrily on a frequent basis but not being open to receiving any kind of help. We all may need to vent now and then – and sometimes things can’t be changed – but we also have to be aware of how often we offload and what work we’re doing on ourselves to heal.
- Take a step back. It’s often “easier” to judge ourselves and others, than to do the work and think about what we may need to change. That doesn’t mean we should take responsibility for what someone else is choosing to do, but we can still take a step back from time to time to gain perspective. If you’re struggling to tell the difference between what you know and what you think you know, you might take healthy steps to learn how to trust your intuition.
- Keep your circle healthy. If you’ve grown up in an environment that was abusive, if you’ve been repeatedly called names or had your value questioned, then just as the sea is polluted by an oil spill, you could be feeling the effects of a toxic environment. You may have fallen in to unhealthy behaviours yourself as a coping strategy, so accessing support might help break the cycle between how we think and how we behave. If you have found yourself in a situation where the behaviour of someone else (including a parent or partner) is having an impact on your mood, it’s worth considering creating some “affectionate detachment” – putting some space between you and them until things calm down. Don’t be afraid to call someone out on their behaviour if it’s becoming unhealthy (if it’s unsafe to do that, ask for help) and give them the opportunity to take positive action – lead by example and find ways to communicate assertively. As Pema Chödrön said, one of the greatest acts of compassion both for yourself and someone else is creating healthy boundaries, to help them stop hurting us. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship right now, then organisations like Refuge may be able to help.
Whatever language we use to define ourselves, it’s important we don’t become too attached to that because it can cause our suffering. That doesn’t mean we should stop caring about what matters, but we should also recognise that everything changes and nothing stays the same. If we or others are making harmful judgements because they don’t think or act “like us” simply to keep their environment intact, then we should definitely think more about protecting ours.
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© Delphi Ellis, updated 2024
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