When someone we care about is going through a difficult time, it can be hard to know what to say and do. Sometimes we might feel concerned if our efforts don’t seem to be working, frustrated if they don’t take our advice, or they may even say they don’t want or need our help.
It can be particularly challenging if we’re worried about their safety, especially in the case of domestic abuse (DA). There are signs we can look out for, pages on the Women’s Aid or Refuge websites may be useful, along with other links you could try.
It’s tempting, when someone tells us what’s happening at home, to tell them to “just leave” – but that’s not helpful; leaving can actually put the person at more risk of harm if they haven’t had time to plan their exit strategy. This page from Refuge explains Barriers to Leaving.
You might also feel inclined to give the person doing the harm a piece of your mind. But remember, the person you care about has to then be alone with them at some point, so only take action if it feels safe for yourself and them in mind. As far as possible, tell the person you care about anything you’re thinking about doing.
Holding Space
if someone does open up to you, it’s important to show you believe them and to listen. You could thank them for trusting you with something so important; it will have taken a lot of courage to talk about what’s been going on at home. They may have heard others say things like “but he seems so nice”, or “what did you do to deserve it?” so they may be very wary of how you’ll respond. Domestic abuse is not the fault of the person being subjected to it, it’s a choice being made by person doing the harm; we know this because they can control when they do the harming. So don’t make excuses for the perpetrator, like “he’s so stressed” or “he’s got a lot on his plate” or “he’s a bit much when he’s had a drink”. There is no excuse for domestic abuse under any circumstances.
You could suggest avenues of support like their doctor or via the hospital, or the agencies that are listed on this page; this also applies if you’re worried about someone’s mental health. You could offer them a safe space to open up, without judgement, and where useful signpost them to appropriate support. Try to avoid coming up with too many solutions, and instead perhaps ask the person what they need, what they’ve tried so far and what might help for now. They might ask you to store some clothes or important documents for them (like their driving licence), for example, for when they’re ready to leave. They might ask if they can make important calls to get help from your phone. Remember they don’t have to take your advice just because you’ve offered it, and it may not be safe for them to do so. You will also need to decide if it’s safe for you to help.
If you don’t know the person, but think domestic abuse is happening where you live or to someone you work with, especially if you think someone is in danger, then ring the police. You can report on 101, or ring 999 in an emergency. The police have a duty to respond to concerns for the welfare of others. You could try talking to the person you’re worried about if it feels safe, but be careful this doesn’t place them or you at risk. This page from Women’s Aid for when you’re worried about someone else may help.
If you’re worried about a child or children, you could contact your local safeguarding team (through your local council), social services or report anonymously through NSPCC, or Crimestoppers on 0800 555111. Children under 18 can call ChildLine on 0800 1111.
It’s also important that you take care of yourself when you’re worried about someone else, whatever the reason they’re going through a difficult time. Make room for self-care, especially if you’re a busy person anyway, and set boundaries in terms of recognising how you can – and can’t – realistically help; definitely don’t make promises you can’t keep.
If you’re recognising abusive behaviours in yourself then choose to stop. The Respect Phoneline is there to provide information on what to do next. This page from Respect is about understanding abusive behaviour.
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