Monday Mojo – Check the Choice

How are you at making decisions?

Not of the “what shall I have for dinner?” type (although those can be tricky now and then). I’m thinking more of when the tough choices come along.
To stay or to leave.
To engage or disconnect.
To show up or sit down.

In this digital age we are also faced with potentially too much choice. We, as humans, like to feel in control of our lives (it helps us feel safe), so being able to make simple decisions feels healthy and actually, rightly, a bit proud of yourself. So what do we do when it’s all just a bit too much?

Here’s something that might help:
This week, maybe set the intention to Check the Choice.  The first thing to think about could be whether or not there is actually even a decision to be made.  There’s a lot to be said for giving yourself permission to step back and wait, or at the very least see how things pan out for a while.  Sometimes we put ourselves under so much pressure to ‘do’ something, that actually it might sort itself out.  It’s ok to take it slow.  

Another thing to consider is whether you’re starting to feel the effects of decision fatigue. One thing the pandemic has created (amongst many other things) is increased demand on our attention, so even things like spending all day in front of your computer screen (and endless Teams meetings) can literally take their toll. You could also try to actually limit the choices available to you, so for example you could decide before you go shopping how much you want to spend, or in the company of friends whether you’re going to eat or just have a drink. Preparation and planning can be key to making the “right choice” especially if it comes with overwhelm, or a period of uncertainty.

One last thing to think about is what you might have heard me refer to as the 100% rule. So when you make a decision you stick with it, no matter what. Whether you’ve decided to change jobs, save money or cut sugar out of your tea you give it the absolute commitment with no going back. As the saying goes, motivation is what gets you started, commitment is what keeps you going. Do what’s right for you.

For an expanded version of Monday Mojo™ straight to your inbox, which includes access to free resources, click here. Any third party links offered are not endorsed. © Delphi Ellis 2022

The Business End: I am delighted to provide this complimentary weekly blog. If you like Monday Mojo™ and want to say “thanks”, you can “Buy Me a Coffee” via my Tip Jar here. No pressure though, it will stay free of charge as long as possible.

Monday Mojo – Bring Yourself Home

Where feels like “home” to you?

You might tell me that “home” isn’t a house, it’s a holiday destination. Or a place of worship. Or that it’s not a place, it’s a feeling; perhaps whenever you’re with someone you love. You might even say, you just don’t know.

If it’s the latter, there might be a reason for this. In her book Homecoming Dr Thema Bryant talks about signs we’re not at home – she actually refers to it as feeling “homesick”. You can tell, because you feel…disconnected.
Out of sorts.
Lost. 

Dr Thema explains, as a result, we end up imitating other people because we think that we can achieve their success by being just like them. We shrink ourselves to fit in. The problem is we end up feeling like a fraud. And all of this is rooted in a need to feel safe.

Here’s what might help:

This week, maybe set the intention to Bring Yourself Home. By that, I mean finding your way back to what it means to live your ideals, goals and values, not someone else’s. In the video below, Dr Thema explains that sometimes we make ourselves small because we don’t want to take up space. This limits us because we end up dimming our own light and end up feeling frustrated. She says that one reason we do this, is so that we won’t be criticised (it compromises feelings of safety) – but the reality is, if that’s what people want to do, they’ll criticise us anyway. So she argues that you might as well “live out loud”.

Dr Thema Bryant

Many of us have also been saying for a while now that how we think – > affects how we feel – > affects how we behave. It’s all related. So if you keep telling yourself you won’t get something (like the job you want), you’ll start to act like you already don’t have it.

Instead as Dr Thema suggests, when you show up, “come with your own things”. Bring all your skills and strengths to the party, and people will want some of what you have.

For an expanded version of Monday Mojo™ straight to your inbox, which includes access to free resources, click here. Any third party links offered are not endorsed. © Delphi Ellis 2022

The Business End: I am delighted to provide this complimentary weekly blog. If you like Monday Mojo™ and want to say “thanks”, you can “Buy Me a Coffee” via my Tip Jar here. No pressure though, it will stay free of charge as long as possible.

Monday Mojo – Know Your Worth

How do we measure value in the 21st Century?

More and more this seems to be in a monetary sense; what we do for a living, how we “spend” our time, even where we live. it’s certainly fair to say celebrities are often seen that way. As an example, Kim Kardashian’s net worth is currently $1.8billion, Elon Musk is $266.1billion. But of course, in the end, money doesn’t equal happiness. It’s important then to measure our sense of self-worth, rather than how much we have in the bank.

In my classes, I talk about the difference between self-esteem and confidence.   Self-esteem is how we measure our worthiness, confidence is how we rate our ability to (e.g.) stand up in front of others and talk passionately about what we know.  What this means though, is that high confidence doesn’t necessarily mean high self-esteem.  In fact some of the most “confident” people in the world, are fighting their own secret battles.  

It’s important to say as well, that if we have low self-esteem, that’s not a “weakness”. It can be affected by our environment, how people treat us, whether we feel like we belong somewhere, even how the media says we “should” look. We can lose ourselves before we know it. Here’s what might help:

This week, maybe set the intention to Know Your Worth. One way to raise self-esteem is to remind yourself you matter. Negative self talk (calling yourself names, beating yourself up) only serves to keep you in a negative cycle of shame. A healthier way is to think about what you have done (rather than what you haven’t) – who you’ve helped, how you’ve supported others, even keeping a “self-esteem log” of all the ways you live by your values every day.

Remember also to explore beliefs that might be limiting you, and how what I call your ‘rule book’ is affecting your view of yourself. For example, sometimes we think we’re being selfish for taking time out, even when it’s much needed, because the rule book we developed in childhood says we’re ‘lazy’ if we stop and do nothing for a while. This includes again how you talk to yourself (mentioned above) when, for example, you make a mistake. Everyone messes up from time to time, and despite what we may think (or hope), even in a planet of nearly eight billion people, the perfect human just doesn’t exist. When we can accept that mistakes are normal and part of being alive, we can cut ourselves a bit of slack.

It can also be helpful to think about what you can do, rather than what you can’t. If you hit a stumbling block at this point, it’s ok to reach out to people you trust and ask them what you’re good at – their answers may even surprise you.

This article offers some thoughts but, as strange as it sounds challenging yourself to something you’ve not done before or helping others can pick you right up. Whether it’s trying a new hobby or even just doing something lovely for a neighbour – you’ll be surprised at the feel-good feeling this can bring.

If you feel like you don’t belong somewhere, it’s ok to question what certain places (or people) are bringing to your life. Belonging doesn’t mean we have to accept what’s not good for us, so make your well-being a priority if a situation is taking its toll. It can be lonely being authentically you at times, but that’s much better than you not being yourself at all.

For an expanded version of Monday Mojo™ straight to your inbox, which includes access to free resources, click here. Any third party links offered are not endorsed. © Delphi Ellis 2022

The Business End: I am delighted to provide this complimentary weekly blog. If you like Monday Mojo™ and want to say “thanks”, you can “Buy Me a Coffee” via my Tip Jar here. No pressure though, it will stay free of charge as long as possible.

Monday Mojo – Protect Your Spirit

Have you heard of drains and radiators?

Thankfully, I don’t mean your plumbing. I’m talking about people who lift you up, and those who don’t. 

It’s an old analogy (and, being honest, I don’t really go in for labels), but the concept is that “radiators” are the ones who bring warmth, support and a lot of mojo your way.
They understand you (or at least what matters to you).
They encourage you.
They are happy for you when they see you succeed.

“Drains” are the ones who, frankly, just suck the life out of you. Also known as “mood hoovers” and “energy thieves”, these are people that no matter what you say or do, they’ll always find a way to try and cut you down to size. They have a problem for every solution.

If you know a “drain”, here’s what might help:
This week, maybe set the intention to Protect Your Spirit. Firstly measure your resilience and how you know your early warning signs that you’re not ok. Some people say they feel overwhelmed, start to make mistakes or that they just can’t keep all the plates spinning. (Remember, resilience is not about keeping going no matter what – that’s endurance – but a skill that can be nourished, and about measuring your capacity to cope. There’s a free guide on this in the Members Area when you subscribe).

The next thing to think about is whether or not you really need to spend time in their company. If you don’t, it’s ok to create space between you. There will be some of course that you do need to see, especially if they’re a colleague at work. One way you can approach this is by letting the person know how you feel. (I touched on this in last weeks Mojo where I suggested you Say It Anyway). Another is to ask them what’s going on; it may be their ”negativity” is fear based and you can reassure them everything’s ok. As this article explains though, it’s ok to dig a bit deeper just try to stay out of the hole.

Whilst I don’t necessarily agree with “good vibes only” – we should always be allowed to say when we’re not ok – it’s also perfectly reasonable to let people know the impact they have, even if they didn’t mean it. You deserve the best of everything, so why settle for anything less.

Important
If you know someone who’s behaviour is moving into harmful, these links may help.

For an expanded version of Monday Mojo™ straight to your inbox, which includes access to free resources, click here. Any third party links offered are not endorsed. © Delphi Ellis 2022

The Business End: I am delighted to provide this complimentary weekly blog. If you like Monday Mojo™ and want to say “thanks”, you can “Buy Me a Coffee” via my Tip Jar here. No pressure though, it will stay free of charge as long as possible.

Monday Mojo – Say It Anyway

Do you ever blurt?

By that I mean, words erupt from your mouth without any apparent warning or you say something because, if you don’t, you feel like you might explode.  And then you wish you hadn’t.

If we’re being honest, we can probably all relate to saying the wrong thing from time to time, even just by mistake. They can be innocent things, but we can feel so silly after the fact.

Sometimes, when we say the “wrong” thing, it then stops us saying what’s “right”. In the world we are currently navigating, it’s more important than ever that we speak our minds in the face of (eg) injustice and brutality, at the same time without widening the polarisation between “us and them”. We have to pick our moments, but sometimes saying something is better than saying nothing at all. 

Here’s something that might help:
This week, maybe set the intention to Say It Anyway. If someone has been voicing an opinion that you disagree with, you can reply with the golden statement I often recommend: “I see things differently”. This gives the other person the opportunity to ask you to clarify your opinion and hear what you have to say; if they’re not interested you know where you stand (ie they might not belong in your tribe).

Another way of stating a point is from the “I” position, like “I think”, “I feel”, “I need” – it helps us own what we’re saying. One way I do this in challenging situations is to start with “I think it’s important we consider/acknowledge/pause/reflect…” This gives people the opportunity to look at the ‘big picture’ rather than just from their own perspective. Another way is asking people what we can agree on (rather than what we don’t). Non-violent communication means recognising all the views, but at the same time asserting what we might need. Suggestions on how to manage really heated discussions are in this article.

Of course if you’ve dropped an absolute doozy, the best and only way to proceed really is to say sorry. Acknowledge what you did, say sorry without ‘but’, and remember it’s ok to respect your feelings – and important to hear theirs – in the process.

For an expanded version of Monday Mojo™ straight to your inbox, which includes access to free resources, click here. Any third party links offered are not endorsed. © Delphi Ellis 2022

The Business End: I am delighted to provide this complimentary weekly blog. If you like Monday Mojo™ and want to say “thanks”, you can “Buy Me a Coffee” via my Tip Jar here. No pressure though, it will stay free of charge as long as possible.

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